3 Authors and That One Girl

Friedrich Nietzsche, Flannery O’Connor, and Ray Bradbury walk into a bar… oh wait, that’s a joke! It has been told that these three famous authors will sometimes tee it up at the local golf course and today they have invited me to play a round of golf with them. I was worried about what we would talk about during the round because I have been known to not be very intellectual when I talk and think; so, I decided that I would start preparing! I read many books that I thought would be helpful. I read books like Notes from the Underground, The Anti-Christ, The Wasteland, Civilization and its Discontents, No Exit, Silmarillion, Out of the Silent Planet, Fahrenheit 451, and a couple of short stories by Ray Bradbury. After reading these texts and preparing for my round, I decided that I was ready! So it is finally time to play the round that I have been anxiously waiting for the last week and a half.

[A man with a well kept beard and neat clothes walks up to the tee about 15 minutes early.]

BRADBURY: [talking enthusiastically] Good morning! I am so glad that we have the opportunity to play golf today! Have you seen O’Connor or Nietzsche yet?

ME: Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity. No I have not seen either of them.

BRADBURY: Oh well that does not surprise me. O'Connor will be here soon probably but Nietzsche likes to arrive places at least 5 minutes late. He says that he is being powerfully late but I just find it extremely rude.

[O’Connor comes racing in from the pro shop]

O’CONNOR: [gasping for air] I’m….so....sorry! I was trying to get here earlier but I got my car keys stolen by who I thought was just a good ole country person but it's okay because I had my spare key.

[they keep chatting and then 5 minutes after the tee time, a man that looks like he could be a pro golfer walks up with a type of swagger that makes him look like he is the only person on the course]

NIETZSCHE: So, I see you all are still getting here early and being suckups while I am here getting better. Let’s play, suckers. I am going first!

[I look over at Bradburry and O’Connor and they are rolling their eyes]

O’CONNOR: Make sure you play by the rules this time.

NIETZSCHE: Rules are for the weak and that is not me. I do not like that rule book anyway.

BRADBURY: [enthusiastically] BURN IT! Oh sorry [lets out a little chuckle] I still have not gotten over that book I wrote the other day.

[they all hit their tee shots and continue with their round. Nietzsche hits his ball into the trees and they all start to look for it]

ME: I do not think that we will be able to find it. I think it went too far in.

O’CONNOR: I believe that is gone too. You know what I say, “A Good Ball is Hard to Find”!

NIETZSCHE: Okay, well I will just drop in the middle of the fairway.

BRADBURY: That is not right! You have to go back to the tee. It is the right thing to do.

NIETZSCHE: Do you think I care what the right thing to do is? The only right thing to do is what is best for me so I will drop in the middle of the fairway.

O’CONNOR: That is not right. There is clearly a right and wrong in this situation. You should go back and tee off again.

NIETZSCHE: “I call an animal, a species, an individual depraved when it loses its instincts, when it chooses, when it prefers what is harmful to it” (Nietzsche, 129). Do you want me to be deprived of my instincts and harm my score by teeing off again?

ME: Well it is in the rule book that if….

[NIETZSCHE cuts me off]

NIETZSCHE: FINE! I will suffer and harm my score so you all will just be quiet.

[NIETZSCHE starts to walk back to the tee box]

O’CONNOR: I just wish that we could play one round of golf without Nietzsche trying to cheat.

BRADBURY: “If only someone else’s flesh and brain and memory” (Bradbury, 14). Then he would never cheat again but it is just wired into his brain to get more power.

[Nietzsche is walking back up and hears them talking about power]

NIETZSCHE: Power is very important. Power equates to good happiness. “What is good? ⎼ All that heightens the feeling of power, the will to power, power itself in man. What is bad? ⎼ All that proceeds from weakness. What is happiness? ⎼ The feeling that power increases ⎼ that a resistance is overcome” (Nietzsche, 127)

ME: wow, you are pretty passionate about power!
NIETZSCHE: Shouldn’t we all be?

[they go through the rest of the round without anymore altercations until the last hole and this is where we find our group of authors and that one girl]

NIETZSCHE: I added up all the scores and I think we all know who won.

EVERYONE: It was me!
[they all look at each other in confusion]

O’CONNOR: Wait, let me look at the scorecard!

[there are visible eraser marks on the scorecard
BRADBURY: Why did we let him keep score anyway?

O’CONNOR: Well it looks like we will never know who actually won but I know for certain that it was not Nietzsche. I should have kept the score myself. “It isn’t a soul in this green world of God’s that you can trust” (O’Connor, 122).

NIETZSCHE: I was just doing what was best for me and you all would do the same thing if you were keeping the score.

[they all look at him like he is crazy]

NIETZSCHE: Anyway, I should be going. I am giving a lecture to some college students about how to gain more power.

[Nietzsche walks away confidently, looking like he is on a mission]

O’CONNOR: He would have been an honest golfer if there had been a rules official to watch him for the entirety of his round.

BRADBURY: Maybe next time we will bring along a rules official.

ME: That was a great round. I hope to be able to play with you all again.

[they all walk away in slow motion with Don’t You Forget About Me playing in the background]